Lucifer over Lanarkshire: Ed Sheer Tedium

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Photo:PA

Ed Sheeran. Ed… Sheeran. Ed… say it once more and he’ll appear, like Candyman or Beetlejuice.

Sixteen singles in the top twenty in May this year.  Awards up the wazoo. Dominated Glastonbury’s Pyramid Stage last night. WHY? Please, anyone, why???

His bafflingly loyal fanbase will say, “He’s an ordinary bloke with his checked shirts and his soft red hair. He’s one of us, riddled with insecurities, wit and humour. ” Errr… no, he’s nothing like you. He’s a millionaire. Minted. And you all put him there. Cheers for that.

I want my heroes to have quantifiable star quality: to be unknowable, unreachable, untouchable, with intelligent lyrics. Not,”They say I’m up-and-coming like I’m fucking in an elevator”.

Look,he seems a decent enough (if slightly gormless, by his own admission) sort. But I’d rather Ezra Furman anyday, rather Bowie than blokey. I want someone who looks like they have lackeys to bring toast and heroin to them on antique silver platters of an afternoon. Someone who doesn’t deal in banal music.

He’s so cynical,almost to the point of disgust: trying to be all things to all people, like Alan Partridge’s Ladyboys cocktail. Songs by record company committee.  Like faux R’n’ B? Try Shape of You . Folk with all of the rough edges sanded off? Have Nancy Mulligan-there you go.

Sorry, but he looks like a gonk that you’d put at the end of a school pencil. I’m a bit overweight with crooked teeth and crap hair, but I’m not a pop star. Feck’s sake, man, buy a new plaid shirt,eh? And stop grinning like a cat with secrets.

 

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Photo: EBay

What really grates though, apart from his plans for world domination,  despite minimal talent, is his  seeming ubiquity. This is particularly true of the truly execrable Galway Girl, heard everywhere, which is the aural equivalent of Wilmer, a pissed American tourist in an Irish theme pub in London cooing, “Gee,Betty, I just love the Scotch (people)”. It’s fucking horrible, like watered-down Murphy’s. Evergreen is nauseatingly generic,while Take It Back‘s ‘rap’ rhymes “lager”with “stepfather”. He’s Aldi pop for those who buy one album a year.

Still,he smacked Justin Bieber in the chops once, so… not all bad,then. Points for that. Just don’t make me listen to him. Ever.

(Lorna Irvine)

 

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