Lucifer Over Lanarkshire: Skinny Gwynny

Gwyneth Paltrow is the gift that you keep returning. Her hubris is, it seems, boundless. Not such a shocker you may think for a Hollywood celeb, but hear me out.

Her wellness company, Goop, have in the last five years or so, garnered something of a reputation for overpriced, faux- holistic, hippy crap, somewhat akin to Harry Enfield’s I Saw You Coming posh tat gift shop sketch, but now that a Texan man is attempting to sue the company over a candle called This Smells Like My Vagina (no, really) after it exploded in his girlfriend’s living room, I just can’t keep silent anymore.

What… the actual… fuck, Skinny Gwynny? Her recent assertion that she “went off the rails” during lockdown, eating BREAD and DRINKING alcohol (like everyone else then, but oh no, it was QUINCE whiskey, of course) really made me want to slap her. What, you ate carbs? Wow. What an animal. Get over yourself, love.

It’s bad enough she once married Chris Martin; sobbed like a traumatised kitten when she won an Oscar, stuck her fingers in her ears because The Stooges were too loud for her at Glastonbury, tells people to stick jade eggs up their vagina (reminding me of the loons Woody Allen encounters in Annie Hall when he’s looking for advice on his love life) or just acts like Little Ms Perfect 24/7: this here is the final straw in a whole fucking hay loft of self-righteous idiocy.

Come on Gwyneth, seriously, shut it. You seem to be turning into the prissy real-life character Hope from Running With Scissors. You are actually a superb actor- ditch the hippy bollocks (or vaginas) and get back to your day job. Pronto.

2 thoughts on “Lucifer Over Lanarkshire: Skinny Gwynny

  1. What he says.

    Though, I honestly don’t know who is worse – maybe the whole point of the candle is that it explodes… a sorta “what the fuck are you playing at?” type. I mean, i probably wouldn’t admit to buying that. Even if it set my face on fire.

    Liked by 1 person

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