Lady Florence Cherub Honeysuckle Posyfart Squelch was born in a cloud of hyperbole in crumbling Misapprehension Manor, Kent in the 19th century to aristocratic parents. When she was but one year old,the angels a-kissed her pert button nose and whispered, ‘You’re special’. And so it came to pass. After a short-lived career making sculptures with bubble-wrap,cement and crow carcasses, Ms Squelch attended Instant Pop Star School in London’s glittering West End.
Her debut album Crumbs! was an instant smash, garnering hits like Pre-Raphaelite Kook, I Like Being Punched,What and ubiquitous soul cover Painted Dove,originally a hit for Otis Redding, T’Pau and Chas and Dave. Along with her band The Latrine, Squelch had arrived.
Her blazingly original appearances at summer festivals wearing floaty velvet dresses and with long (long,mind!) hair set her apart from female artists such as, ooh, I dunno, Kate Bush; Meredith Monk, Stevie Nicks, Tori Amos,Vashti Bunyon, Bjork and Imogen Heap. Fancy,floaty ethereal clothes and shouty choruses. Truly, Squelch is a maverick of her generation.
If her debut was a critical and commercial success, subsequent albums Ophelia Twiglet and Filigree Spoon Carving Man saw our flame-haired poppet go stellar. Put simply, she was everwhere: from Glastonbury to Goa,there were few corners of the globe with ears unmolested by Squelch and her popular bleat combo.
But these were simpler times. Miley had yet to discover the joys of twerking; we were Jake Bugg-less, Labour were a united force and mobile phones were the size of a child’s palm. Florence was the totem of such innocence- a guileless siren, her every sigh or bellow emitting poetic truths. Not at all derivative,this unique talent captured the zeitgeist, as it was then obsessed with fey poshos who peppered their every utterance in interviews with ‘like’ and inane giggles. Ms. Squelch,I salute you. Stop nicking my bloomers.
(Spoilt Victorian Child)